She called out a warning

darkbob @ 2010-03-12T23:49:00

2010-03-13T04:53:30Z

Going to Macau today. It's gonna be just like The Hangover, minus actually having hangover, haha. Tonight is going to be wild running through casinos and roaming the night!

sporadic

2010-02-25T09:51:34Z

You know it's college when your friend shows up at the door at 10 pm asking for a place to stay a while because their roommate is upstairs "needing to borrow the room". Ha.

Last night we sat and just talked about life when the topic of my dad somehow appeared. I proceeded to explain how he died and how that night changed everything, but it didn't occur to me till I said it out loud last night that I really did become a different person since that day on. I used to carry a happiness that was undying; a sort of bliss that would never somehow work along with moments of suicidal thoughts. The one word I mentioned was selfishness, which I know comes up a lot with me since that seems to be my problem. I remember telling the friend that children are selfish, all they know and think about is themselves. The night my father died, no one cried. They were all old enough to understand what was happening, but I was hurt and angry and even more pissed that no one was upset like I was. I threw my hatred for everything at them because I couldn't see what was going on. I don't know what happened, I suppose I felt like I didn't deserve anything anymore if not for my father to be around or for anyone to be on my side.

From that day on, I realized it was when I became this person I am today, the "un-selfish" person who can't do anything if not for the sake of someone else. Which makes no sense because I know at the very least, my father is here in spirit regardless.

Times like these I want that SU therapist to explain to me why I'm like this. I never saw myself as the shrink type, but that therapist changed my life so much by finally figuring out what was "wrong" with me. Why do I think and live life this way? How can something like one traumatic day change the course of my life forever? This whole psychology shit has me so pegged that I'm just so fascinated, bewildered and freaked out all at the same time.

darkbob @ 2010-02-17T14:21:00

2010-02-17T19:24:47Z

My mom constantly offers me money, which usually is a wonderful case for most people but I refuse it. I'll take her money for Chinese New Year, it'd be rude not to, but any time she asks if I need money from her for my trip, I will not bring myself to take it.

Before Team One left for the Philippines, they tried really hard to convince me to get a last minute ticket to come with them. I found one which would have been about $400 and it's a little much for a place I didn't care to go. They asked if I was afraid of running out of money or if my parents didn't have my back, and I had to admit that I saved the money I'm planning to spend here all on my own, and if I end up having to ask my mom for some towards the end of this trip I'd be really disappointed in myself. Being on this trip feels like enough of a burden on everyone I love back at home, money is not going to be one of the other issues. There's Thai proverb that goes something along the lines of "If you're rich, live like a poor person and you'll never be poor, if you're poor and live like a rich person, you'll never be rich." It's kind of weird, but I guess I want to start having the kind of lifestyle that involves managing my money well and relying on myself for something of this scale. I had her promise me to only pay for my airfare, which is already a little over a thousand dollars. No way is she going to spend any more on me, especially with opening a second restaurant on her plate (PS: congrats, mom :D)

I talked to her today and when I asked her to transfer my Chinese NY money into my bank account, she offered to give me a few hundred more "just in case". Of course I said "Absolutely not." She finally asked why I was so adamant and I told her my stubborn feelings about it all. She said that she's proud of me for having such a good heart, that I worked hard this semester academically and financially that I deserved to be here jetsetting, and having amazing experiences and the time of my life.

That was worth more than any money she could have thrown into my account.

darkbob @ 2010-02-15T22:19:00

2010-02-16T03:22:39Z

"Arggg why are you sitting on my back?"
"I'm gonna take in as much Natt as I can!"
"Why?"
"'Cause we're gonna miss you!!"

Nicest thing I've heard (directly towards me) in a while. I know it's weird, but I guess that's the relationship dynamics I have with these people and I love it.

My group of friends here left for the Philippines last night, a trip on which I would have gone if I had known we'd get so close to each other and that it's one of their birthdays! But it's okay, I'm gunning for Phuket next weekend!

Studying abroad is like freshman year all over again, which is a good comparison since I still see it as probably my favorite year in college. Everyone you meet is a new face, the location you're in is completely foreign. You need peers to survive. Within these weeks are the times you learn to trust, love, care all over again -- complex and vital human interactions. This is how you make life long friends: you live.

I refuse to let anyone discourage or ever take this experience away from me. This is (positively) life changing, no matter what comes of it.

darkbob @ 2010-02-12T19:57:00

2010-02-13T01:00:04Z

Basically, boy is still giving me the cold shoulder. We tried to plan if he can come visit in March but last night we realized he can't financially afford to visit then, only April. Then I told him the first week of April my mom may visit, and the week after is finals and I don't think it's a good idea for him to come then. The rest went to shit after that convo because he got upset, disappointed, and started saying things that didn't make sense, like how I shouldn't be heading to Thailand after HK (hello, that's the only way I can come home May 5th instead of May 25th) or whatnot. I understand he's upset but geez, how else can I say I'm in this relationship too and I'm equally disappointed?

Everything I do is for him. I really try my hardest to make it less stressful being abroad but non-cooperation is out of my control. At this point, I'm not really sure where to go. It's not fair for me to keep him feeling terrible like this, at the same time if he's not going to try to work with me here then it's not entirely my fault either.

It's beginning to feel a lot like exactly this time last year, which can't be good. I have no idea what this means or where my life heads now.

darkbob @ 2010-02-09T05:45:00

2010-02-09T10:48:04Z

The boy is getting hired by his new (older) friend to work in multimedia, which is pretty great. It's nice to see how someone who has made it is working hard to help a young and semi-struggling individual get somewhere. I've no doubt this transition is life-changing for him.

But in other news, although we've talked, I'm not that much happier. The feeling isn't the same as when we talked on his birthday. The conversation didn't feel completely genuine or happy. I mean, of course part of it was due to the fact that I was pissed off, but what else was I supposed to do: pretend like I'm okay?

I almost revamped my class schedule this semester. Now I'll be working real hard on Tuesdays and Wednesdays with almost a full day of classes from 9am to 6 pm but I'll finish Thursday by 11 am no class Friday. That leaves a loooong weekend to go somewhere fun, like a trip to the islands or another country. Japan is still in the works, but have to figure out where a consulate is to obtain a visa (boo Thai passport). I can really use another getaway.

darkbob @ 2010-02-07T22:45:00

2010-02-08T03:48:06Z

How I'd love to call but am so sick of getting reject pick ups or him not having enough time to talk to me or even sound like he wants to. Since when do you get this busy and not ever when I was at home?

Maybe it's a bad week, or maybe people just aren't playing nice. All I know is, if you're not going to do your part, don't expect me to be the only one that ever gives and never get any back when I need it too.

[Edit]

I gave in, but in an e-mail form. What do you know -- more of nothingness.

While I am not loving having a roommate in an open little lodge room, I sure am glad she's here physically before I do something stupid, even if she's napping right now.

[Edit 2]

Sigh. I'm somewhat proud of myself for not succumbing to my weaknesses, but can't stand falling into this downward spiral again. Geezus. "I guess it's working too well"??? What the fuck, I'm busy having my time in Hong Kong too but I can find time before I have to go outside to get food to write/call you and you can't? That's not missing someone, that's forgetting someone.

This is been yet another blue Monday.

darkbob @ 2010-02-02T07:25:00

2010-02-02T12:28:16Z

It's Joel's 21st birthdayyyy I'm disappointed I'm not there for him but we shall celebrate like hell when I can go to bars too (aka October haha). We skyped for hours today and felt amazing, I finally feel closer to him than anything we've sort of had in a while. We just chat as normal as we could and it felt like he wasn't actually across the world from me for once; it was nice to feel like the world isn't as large as we think and we can still communicate. Still, it will take some time to get used to and I miss him a lot but we're managing alright.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST or BAND, cleverly answer these questions. ~~Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me.~~ You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think!

Pick your Artist: Muse

Describe yourself:
Assassin

How do you feel:
Bliss

Describe where you currently live:
United States of Eurasia

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
City of Delusion

Your favorite form of transportation:
Guiding Light

Your best friend is:
Knights of Cydonia

You and your best friends are:
Invincible

What's the weather like:
Butterflies and Hurricanes

Favorite time of day:
Starlight

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Showbiz

What is life to you:
Time is Running Out

Your last relationship:
Apocalypse Please

Your fear:
Stockholm Syndrome

What is the best advice you have to give:
Hate this & I'll love you

Thought for the Day:
Can't take my eyes off of you

How I would like to die:
Unintended

My soul's present condition:
Feeling Good

My motto:
Sing for Absolution

darkbob @ 2010-01-31T11:54:00

2010-01-31T16:56:43Z

I'd probably spent $30 USD on a random an spontaneous day trip to Lantau Island but it was the best money I've yet to spend. Unfortunately, I had no idea we were visiting the Big Buddha and I wore tank top mini dress and shorts -- the most inappropriate thing next to bare midriffs, tube tops or being naked. I felt really bad but honest mistake is honest mistake :/ Either way, I can't wait to blog about it -- I still have so much to write from being censored in China. If you haven't seen it already, follow my Tumblr travel blog! I will be spending a lot of time writing there to build some legit writing credentials and just personally logging my semester's adventures.

darkbob @ 2010-01-29T23:31:00

2010-01-30T04:33:36Z

New city, new adventures.

What usually happens when our abroad group wants to go out at night, we tend to go in flocks if not the entire group goes minus a person or two that do not party. Which is great and safe for everyone, but not exactly convenient. I was persuaded to go out last night at the final minute so I went in my jeans and loose, Joel's t-shirt while all the girls were in their tight dresses and heels. We took a train over to a new district and found ourselves in a street full of bars and clubs that demanded ID's, none of which were brought since they'd never been carded in HK before. So the group begins to migrate up and down the road to see which place was letting people in without carding when a separate group of us who had left way earlier for dinner and drinks suddenly found us across the street. Immediately, I decided to ditch the fancy group and join what we dubbed "Team One" for a bar to at least sit in. So I went from a group of 40 kids to 6, including me. Holla.

We found a bar, they order shots, I volunteer to be the sober caretaker while we sat chat and had fun. We decided bars here suck and are too expensive and that we should hop on the subway home and just get drinks to chill in our lodge -- only we're told trains stop running around 12:30 and it was about 12:23 am. We ran the hell out of the bar, I forgot my "metrocard" aka "Octopus card" they call it here so I had to buy a single ride which took forever since my particular machine didn't take bills. Nick, my new half brown half white friend from GWU (lol), helped me by paying with his coins and we ran for the train and lost the other four kids.

When we finally found our train, the other part of Team One called to say they are on the train and will wait for us at the next stop (yes, trains here have signals!) so Nick puts his jacket on the floor for sanitary purposes haha and we sat and talked about comic books and his life in Chicago/Washington, D.C. Seven minutes later the train arrives, we hop on, run to make the next one home. It's about 1 am by this time and the train was still going so whoever warned us bullshitted. Either way, I returned to the room with Marina who bought a few drinks which we had to smuggle into our lodge (yeah, we're of drinking age here but aren't allowed to bring it in :/ ) and hung out with her listening to the most hilarious music.

Overall, the experience is a lot different than NYC but not too different. I'm definitely having the time of my life and would love to repeat similar fun when I get home -- but not just yet.

Quick update to the small amount of readers

2010-01-27T12:17:08Z

I totally forgot how mainland China censors EVERYTHING. I was not able to get on FB, LJ, Twitter, Tumblr, any blogging sites for the matter. Not that I bothered trying after LJ and FB failed, but I'm back in HK and have lots of photos to share so find me on my other sites for them soon!

darkbob @ 2010-01-12T12:14:00

2010-01-12T17:16:58Z

I'm in HK, it's a lot scarier than I thought being here on my own but I've made some nice friends, some of whom know Cantonese so it's nice to have someone at least speak a little of the language to the locals. I don't know what I would do if not that for because even something as simple as asking the lady where something is in the supermarket or getting the check for dinner was tough without knowing at least a phrase or two.

Everyone wants to hit up a bar or lounge soon. I really do not want to get drunk here without someone to take care of me so I'll be sipping virgin cocktails which will be just as tasty with good company :) Starting a travel blog soon but I'll need a USB wire, which is the one thing I totally forgot (but can borrow from someone,) then pictures and entries galore.

darkbob @ 2010-01-08T03:34:00

2010-01-08T08:37:04Z

Another thing about dating a 20-ish year old boy: they are so clueless. Yes, this is another entry about his skank of an "ex".

Somehow Joel and I discussed birth control brands today, and I asked him if he knew what NuvaRings were and he said yes, and knew someone who uses it. At first he refused to tell me who it was, but had no problem naming other women we both know who used other brands. In the end, he admitted the ex (we'll call her Bighead, because she has a five-finger forehead) told him at one point last summer or some while ago as part of a random conversation he claims they only have twice, three times a year whether on Facebook or in person or phone (less likely by phone).

I huffed and told him she's so trying to play around with him again, to which he laughed and said I was totally ridiculous for thinking that way. Oh no, but I think he's the one who is being naive.

Females do not reveal personal information about themselves for no reason -- and not to just anyone. A girl either lets people know things about her because she want them to see her a certain way, or she trusts them to know this particular part of her. But if you really talk a few times a year, in what part of the cosmic alignment do you bring up the brand of birth control you use? You know, when I catch up with old friends, I normally ask about their lives and not my preferred method of hormonal intake. I kept trying to reassure to Joel that she definitely had a purpose in mentioning it -- whether to let him know she's now sexually active or that she can fuck without a condom for all she cares. I also kept saying she's dangled around with him before but never wanted something serious, but now that she can't have him she's still trying to toy with him to make her seem somewhat desirable. I mean, come on, would I really admit to all the sexy things I did with Joel in front of everyone, including my ex-boyfriend, if I didn't want to show them we're in a really great and active relationship?

First the mixed CD, then the Star Wars tag (seriously, Joel is NOT the only person she can possible know who loves the saga,) and now "Hayyy, I'm on birth control, fuck me sometimes." Okay, that's not what she said but she totally thought about it. No girl admits she's getting regular sex enough to be on b-control if she wasn't trying to seduce a guy or make 'em jealous. Do I go around talking to my guy friends about what sexual position I like best? NO, because if I did it'd lead them to think about me in bed/sexually and that's not what I want!

I'm on my almost final straw with this girl. This can't be crazy of me. Come on, shit with Bighead happens too much for it not to be completely sneaky. If only Joel will say something back to her to show his disinterest. Wouldn't it be awesome if he had replied to her "Why do I care?" I wish he would say shit like this to her, to make it clear that he wants a friendly acquaintance, not an ex who keeps looming around about her supposed awesomeness he's not getting. DUH HE HAS ME!! Haha, okay, that was dumb, but it's 3:35 a.m. and I gotta sleep but really, Joel needs to say something and she needs to fall in a ditch.

I love NY

2010-01-03T20:38:53Z

Much to Ailsa's suggestion, I ended up going to the party last night. At first I didn't plan on it because it was extremely cold and I'd rather snuggle in with the boy but decided this would be the last time I'll get to see many of my old friends before HK, so, why not?

I came home last night thinking I had nothing scandalous to report, but now that I think about it, a lot went down. For one, I found out one of my friend had a crush on another one of my friend since 10th grade, and still likes her because she's just super cool. How "Aww"-worthy is that? I tried to tell her he's smitten but she seems to think that he just likes her because he's a little drunk.

Then while I was standing by watching a group of people play beer pong, my friend knocked on the bathroom to check on her sister. Minutes later, she emerged looking alright ... and few minutes after that a dude came out of the bathroom too. "What can I say, she's ethnic, it's exotic," he commented. Haha, I hear you buddy, but everyone in the room is ethnic because you're the only white kid here.

Graduating class of 2007 (minus a few underclassmen)

Another friend complimented that I had grown amazing curves and asked what the hell I ate. First of all, I got curvier?? Secondly, what do I answer to that: chicken?? But I thanked him anyways. One other friend asked how Joel and I keep our relationship together for this long and long distance. I answered "Fucking" just to joke around and he was all "ME TOO!" but then I followed up with "No, we just talk a lot and keep communication alive, blahblah" and he seemed less interested. (Insert pouty face).

This pic was immediately after the one earlier, when the dude in white dress shirt in the front said "NOW LET'S GET NAKED!"

We tried to play one game of pong ourselves when a can erupted when we opened it and continued to foam for the next three minutes. Not even kidding. It was a little gross.

Yep.

But when the content became beer, we won, of course.

A while later, I found the friend who was checking on her sister earlier making out with one of Joel's childhood friends. All this while a group of girls and one gay kid shaked their asses like whoa nonstop, practically dry humping each other. And of course, there's always one guy who takes his shirt off by the end of the night. "I'm gonna go home now so I can masturbate," he said. I walked out of the kitchen promptly after. Alcohol makes everyone so damn horny. But then again, I would know, I suppose. Joel and I sneaked a quick one which I guess makes us horrible for screwing in my ex's place.

Yeah, we know how to party alright. I'm convinced a shared interest of alcohol is what's keeping us together. Shit is crazy.

darkbob @ 2010-01-01T18:09:00

2010-01-01T23:11:01Z

I am confused with what to feel. Ever since I was young, I was always told to be more selfish and to do more things for myself instead of caring what people want of me.

"I know I won't do this again."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because I don't want to cause trouble and worry for everyone that cares about me, it's not right. They love me and I'm breaking their hearts because just for that one stupid moment, I didn't care about them."
"It's interesting you say that because what I'm hearing is that you're willing to change for others' sakes, but not your own."

I'll never forget this conversation between the Syracuse University therapist and me back when I got depressed in '07 and tried to take more than enough combination of pills. It's going to be a revelation I'm going to look back at forever. Yet, here I am in 2010 worrying about the same issues.

I've been feeling like going abroad is running away. My family's here struggling with the restaurant, trying to open a new location. My brother is going to graduate soon and hope to get a new job that pays better. Joel is going with be without me, and is trying to settle into a new place, get a new/better paying job and back to learning things. My friend Josh is on and off depressed. At a time when everyone I love could use a little bit of my help, I was going to leave them all to go on a giant 4-month vacation away from all of them. This is the incredible selfish thing I really needed to do for myself, yet it's happening at the worst timing possible. I've worked and saved more than thousands of dollars to spend it all on myself rather than the loved ones who've supported me forever.

My roommate recently came back from her abroad semester and felt like she's ran away from her problems at home, and coming back to the unchanged reality made it all the more saddening. I don't want to leave my loves to come home and find that I couldn't be there for them if they needed me even if just to talk for support. They don't have to say anything for me to feel absolutely guilty about it all.

I wish I could talk to the therapist now and know what he'd say to me in this situation. I need some clarity about how to feel. How can I possibly be selfish while everyone else around me deserve to be, too, but can't?

darkbob @ 2009-12-31T12:17:00

2009-12-31T17:19:18Z

I shouldn't have looked at my grades today, apparently I got a C in my Anthropology class which comes as a huge surprise. I know I didn't do amazing in the class, but I highly doubt it was C quality work -- if anything B-. Won't have time to talk to professor about this because I won't be on campus but this definitely puts a damper on my day. MY GPA dropped from a 3.5 to 3.2 -- I'm still above the mark to maintain my scholarships but still, this would have been my best semester despite all odds.

Whatever. It's gonna be the last woes of the year, not that it makes a huge difference what time this shows up. E-mail the teaching assistant, and will leave that way aside to enjoy the rest of the year.

darkbob @ 2009-12-25T04:09:00

2009-12-25T09:11:44Z

Today was the annual Christmas party at my restaurant with the employees and some close friends. For the first time, mom actually invited Joel to come which was wonderful, kind of. It's usually a bit embarrassing because Thai people go insane partying, drinking, singing and dancing around and I didn't want him to get caught into a giant culture shock. But we had a great time and ate so much delicious food (I must have had a pound of crab legs, or at least it felt like it). Plus, we did a secret santa raffle where each person brought their own gifts and we just stuck numbers on each one and had everyone pick numbers out of a hat to determine their present. My gift was $60 in cash, which was not bad at all considering other useless things I could have gotten and totally not use.

Before the party, Joel came over after work before my mom came to pick us up. With him was his little silver Bloomingdales box wrapped in a black ribbon: his xmas present for me! He'd ask me a few times and had no idea what to get me, and I simply don't know what I want either so it shocked me when he actually got me something rather sappy, or in Ailsa's words, proper serious lover presents.

I definitely did not expect this from him knowing he's not the typical romantic boyfriend type AT ALL. Pleasant surprise! He said he thought it suited me and was elegant yet simple enough for me to wear casually as well. Love the thoughtfulness :D This truly shocked me since he does not shop for jewelry, much less know what type of jewelry I like. I just hope he didn't spend too much on it because I'd be equally happy if he bought me a pretty underwear heheh. Arg, I'm a bad person, I can never appreciate expensive presents because I always feel bad ... who the hell knows why :/ Maybe I'm just a stingy person when it comes to shopping for myself. My present for him was paying for half of his new Xbox upgrade that he really wanted, but still, I want to get him something else to combine anniversary, his 21st birthday and valentine's. Don't know if it's better to find a gift now or extra souvenirs from abroad (which is bound to happen regardless, I can't help myself). Blah.

It's officially Christmas day. Weather is alright as of now, NYC is looking pretty with all the lights and decor. I've no plans and don't know if I will see the boy but I hope to cuddle with him forever and ever and everrrrr real soon. Next week seems busy: got a cocktail party, reunion with Noelia who've gone abroad this semester and a mainland China visa for which to apply in person. Still, I want to find a day to just go over to Joel's and stay in bed ALL day just napping, snuggling, and you know, whatever happens in bed or sometimes out of bed ::cough::

darkbob @ 2009-12-23T01:05:00

2009-12-23T06:07:13Z

Holy eff what a night. What was supposed to be a simple day spent at Joel's backing up my hard drive ended up as a lockout situation times two. Everything was fine until Joel was about to walk me to the bus stop to go home and realize he'd forgotten his key in his room and was locked out/cannot leave his apartment since he can't lock the front door. His roommate was at work and won't be home till at least the morning, and even then she doesn't have a spare. Joel also wouldn't let me walk out to the bus by myself (it was close to midnight and I had a big laptop with me) so after 30 mins of jamming the knob with a few wrenches and whatnot, he made me call a cab to go home.

As soon as I walked up to MY front door, my keys were also nowhere to be found. Then my worst fears were realized: I'd dropped my keys in Joel's room and now we're both locked out of our homes. Except I was stuck out in the snowy weather ... until I got a hold of my brother who opened the door for me. I went upstairs, googled an assload of how to pick locks with safety pins videos (haha) and called locksmiths for quotes. One dude kept calling me to ask if I still needed his services of $65 minimum. Um, no. Geezus, that's a lot of money.

Another 40 mins or so later, Joel calls me and said he'd successfully gotten back in his room without completely destroying his door, just chipping a lot of the side area and making a lot of noise with his roommate's old-ish mother sleeping in the living room. Otherwise, my keys were there and everything is okay. Arg. This has been crazy. First thing tomorrow Joel's getting his keys copied and perhaps giving me a set, which is I guess one of those big relationship steps (I mean, gosh, keys to his house!) but as of right now, it's more like "Let's not let this ever fucking happen again."

darkbob @ 2009-12-15T02:21:00

2009-12-15T07:22:32Z

I don't think I realize sometimes how lucky I am. With everything horrible that comes in my life, there are a lot of great things. I am going to study abroad and live in mothereffin' Hong Kong for four-ish months, hopping around Asia while I'm over there. No parents, no acquaintances. Just wingin' it. It's scary and exciting all at the same time.

I have no idea how expensive it will be to live and travel there for four months. I want to visit Japan while I'm out there, for sure, but will also need to make plans for other countries and cities as well. Vietnam? Singapore? Malaysia? Oh, the possibilities. It will be so nice to live most of 2010 in summery weather. January-May in Asia (warm,) June-August in NYC (mostly warm to hot) then experience cold for the first time in the year sometime in October. Ahhhh.

But until then, two nasty finals and take home essays to go. Oh, did I mention I've yet to pack up my room and my parents are picking me up in two days? Aha. Aha.

Anniversary in six days. Christmas in ten days. New Years in sixteen. Hong Kong in twenty-six. It's all ticking down way too fast.

darkbob @ 2009-12-11T17:54:00

2009-12-11T22:55:29Z

I have landed the online editor position for magazine I talked about last week. Only reason I'm not mentioning the name is I don't want anyone to possibly google it and find my personal diary here haha. I mean, I guess it's alright to stumble upon it, but um, I prefer if people who only know me as that editor never find me here.

Otherwise, I am pretty happy! I knew I wanted an editor job for a campus mag soon but I never realized this soon, especially one I can do from abroad. This is a great milestone, as junior has really been thus far. I am pleasantly surprised considering how much I dreaded coming back here over this past summer.

We got 100 on our presentation for the magazine project. By that, of course she meant 1000. Our project was just so much more work than the other groups in the class, our professor was just speechless. I was so tired during that presentation that while we were up in front of class, I inadvertently told the class they can get their asses drunk off my ANTM drinking game. As soon as the words left my mouth, I'd realized I was in a professional environment presenting my final project, worth 35% of my grade. But the professor was cool with it and thought it was exactly the attitude present in our magazine anyways, so I was able to get away with it. Plus, the class laughed instead of gasped in horror, so I'd say the reception was positive.

darkbob @ 2009-12-07T00:23:00

2009-12-07T05:24:57Z

I freaked over the talents of my group mates over nothing. Not to say they are not good writers, but I expected so much more from people who contributed such amazing ideas. Maybe this is not their best work, but I'm not impressed as I was earlier. Still, I really do admire their originality and personalities -- they are all such lovely, beautiful and intelligent women. However, I am much less scared of the "competition" now and feel slightly more worthy of being here in Newhouse ... does this make me horrible?

I interviewed with a student publication here on Friday and they may be interested in getting me on board as the online editor since they've no online supplement to their magazine whatsoever. I'd be more than happy if this were the case, because I would love to gain more experience with internet blogging (professionally, of course) and I can do this from abroad. Not to mention developing networking connections to the current staff so that comes senior year, I may be a more attractive applicant for print editorial positions. Starting tomorrow night, I shall start the graphics and blog content. So excited.

Oh, and after an editing session on Tuesday, I will definitely post my final draft of the ethnic name article, as well as another one I wrote on the stereotypes reinforced by America's Next Top Model. I don't hate the show, but the content made a good article. You'll see what I mean, I think it's a nice critical analysis article but otherwise don't take it all too seriously. It was written for academic work after all haha.

darkbob @ 2009-12-06T11:40:00

2009-12-06T16:41:10Z

You know your body has a cruel sense of humor when, after a long and emotionally excruciating day, you drift off to sleep only to dream and feel insane things. It started out with me going on a date with some random guy. I don't know who he is, just that he's from New York. From what I can remember, he wasn't exactly my type and the date was non-romantic -- more like a play date than anything. So I guess that part was normal enough, except it wasn't in the sense that I wouldn't go on a weird play date with some stranger.

Then the odd part: getting hit by a car. It was a wide and empty road I had crossed on my light when a black car sped down and crashed into me. The whole thing happened so slowly, which would seem dreamy enough if not for the actual "feeling" of bones crushing and breaking apart, sharp pains running throughout my limps. But mostly, it was the "feeling" of my heart thumping rapidly then slowing down. No blood, no bruises -- just my insides crumbling to pieces. I must have laid there in fetal position for what felt like hours until it started feeling cold. I don't remember what happened after that since my vision began to black out and I was woken up by my alarm clock. Yet my body still feels sore.

I crossed an open and empty road today before heading to work. I saw a black car at the end of the hill coming down my way. Somehow, I wasn't too scared by the deja vu, more like what would happen if it wasn't a dream this time? At this point, it's so hard to tell what's real and what's not when my dreams and reality are pretty much blurring into the same bullshit.

darkbob @ 2009-12-06T03:10:00

2009-12-06T08:11:42Z

Sometimes I don't know if I can handle this whole "college afar/abroad" thing. Anger, frustration, sadness ... they bring out an ugly part of me. On one hand, I keep telling myself I need these experiences in college and what I'm learning is important for life as a whole. Meanwhile, it's very hard to deal with personal issues when you have a pile of work thrown at you, due within the same timeframe. This isn't even close to real life, is it? In the real work environment, I'm sure it's much more frustrating ... isn't it? I don't know how I'm going to do if I can't get a hold of myself and let these terrible feelings get in the way of accomplishing anything.

I try to escape to Joel to relax my mind, but that doesn't always work when he's 1) busy 2) being a 20 year old boy instead of a 3-year experience boyfriend 3) not here.

On top of the article which barely got any improvement due to being angry all day, my mom keeps asking me to help with really random shit. For example, my cousin just moved here and needs to transfer to a good high school and wants my opinion. Me being obsessive with researching schools or researching in general, I took 20 minutes out to help. When I called her, she said her mom already submitted the form. Waste of life.

Then she needs my shopping expertise in buying Christmas presents. This semester is messed up in that we're let out of school really late. Last year, our semester ended 12/12 ... 12/14 is only the last day of classes this time around. Last final is 12/21. Isn't that a load of crap? Anyways, I know she needs to get them delivered ASAP because Christmas gets too close, and I'm much better at online shopping than anyone in the house. Plus, I want to pick the stuff for people. But this on top of my unfinished article and a final exam this Monday is utterly too much for one weekend.

I hate whining, and I know that's what I'm doing, but it sucks being helpless and uninspired with no one to understand or help you. Everyone has their own lives to worry about before mine, I get it, but I can't help but feel so lost. This combination of depression and annoyance makes me hateful toward everything that goes unaccording to plan, which in turn probably rubs off other people as, harshly put, bitchy. I hate dropping what I'm doing to be there for others when no one can for me. Why do I keep running around in this vicious circle?

darkbob @ 2009-12-02T22:23:00

2009-12-03T03:24:30Z

I'm currently writing an article about my name. Feeling really great about it. Mostly about how much meaning is behind it and why I refuse to adopt an American name to make life easier for people that have no clue where to begin pronouncing the full name.

After this is finished, I am sending it to my brother who has started going by Mario about two years ago. It's not exactly American but it's definitely easier than his Thai first name. I don't think he will go back to using it with his friends but I do hope my article gives him an insight of my opinions. Where's the Thai pride? If a girl is named something American but is spelled differently or has an unusual name overall, I hardly believe she would even think of adopting a new name. There's no reason I should change just because you can't learn to say it. I love what my name means so you deal with it, world!

darkbob @ 2009-11-30T19:55:00

2009-12-01T00:56:12Z

As I expected, Thanksgiving break went by too fast. A lot of things do. Hell, life goes by fast, I'm freakin' 20 years old. Two weeks ago I was having the crazy week trying to do all the required works, exams, a week ago I was ready to be home and now I'm back here. At least most of the classes are reviews for finals and not learning new stuff. That helps.

Spend a lot of time at Joel's new apartment. He's got a sweet room that's 2 1/2 times as big as his last one, but I guess it's not saying all that much since his old place was miniscule. It was still a great space for just him though. We cooked on Wednesday and successfully made delicious food without destroying anything or anyone's stomach. This is a milestone, because I simply do not cook.

The night of Thanksgiving my family talked it over and decided to buy a new TV for our living room to replace the one we've had for, urr, I wanna say 6 years+, and as I was attempting to purchase it online, my credit card failed me. I checked our balance online and it said I had a mere $29 credit allowance left. FALSE! Turns out our credit card company screwed us over big time because we had $8000, but somehow it was diminished to $1500 and even then they did not take off the payment we made for last month's bill. In human language, VISA thought we spent about $1470 without paying them for two months so they lowered our credit limit. So after calling to complain and for them to tell me they couldn't do anything about it at the moment since it's a holiday weekend, I tried to buy the TV online with another credit card and the TV was sold out.

Out of some wild determination and the fact that I woke up at 2 pm that day, Joel, my brother, his friend Henry and I decided to entertain the idea of going out for Black Friday and fight the masses for that fucking TV. This whole thing is actually quite ironic. I spent all of November saying I am not the least bit interested in shopping because I'm waiting for a spree on HK and here I was getting ready to haul a TV home at wee hours of the morning. And usually I am not that diehard of a shopper but idk, I thought it could be at least funny -- and it was! It was just so ridiculous that I can't help but laugh at how much Americans will do for some cheap electronics and shit. Geezus. We left the house at 2 am and was home by 6 am with the brand new thingamabob and went to bed. Joel slept over for the first time, which was interesting, weird and I guess exciting. Not in the same room, of course, but it's an improvement on mom's part.

The rest of my weekend was spent bumming around and eating. I took a short flight back to Syracuse this morning and had to sit next to a foul smelling little girl. She looked about 3, 4 years old and smelled like a mix of strawberries, vomit, and rotten apple sauce. I don't know, but it was disgusting. Glad my flight was a mere 50 minutes.

Yay America. Yay fatness. Boo smelly children.

Yay Left 4 Dead 2 which I will start tonight after getting a quiz and small projects done! Excited!