Current mood:

guilty

People are never happy with what they have, do they? When things go wrong, the complaints go flying. When things are perfect, you wonder, "What's the catch?"

I guess that's the way we function, no one is ever 100% content where they are without knowing all the little details...and even then it confuses us. My situation seems to deal with every relationship's dreaded 'Ex-files'.



Usually I don't care for the exes, I'll hear about it every now and then and just focus on the fact that they are with me now and I'm not planning to fuck anything up. But for some reason, I can't get over Joel's 'ex'. They had a thing a while ago but they decided the whole being more than friends thing didn't work out.

He never did explained why it never worked out all too clearly and this girl (Elisa) has been a classmate of mine for since the beginning of High School. Up until when Joel visited in December, she was pretty nice to me. Now, however, she ignores me like a bum in the subway. She deliberately 'forgets' to answer me during class discussions and never once looked my at face anymore. She seem to have called me names behind my back and turned some people against me. I can't care much for jealousy but what the hell. Before she and Joel went separate ways, she had told him he will "find a better girl who will take care of him and not hurt him like she did".

The thing with her is that she's just that better girl. Taller, prettier, not necessarily smarter but in the same range or better in some subjects. She's the girl other people want to befriend or aspire to be. What went wrong? When they were supposedly dating, they seemed happy...and every other stories I've heard from him didn't sound bad except for when she decided to date another guy and call it officially over with him. Didn't she have the power to love and care for him as well as I could? I can't pinpoint what I have that she doesn't. I'm just damn confused.

But what's even more weird is, I can't stop looking at her. In class, sometimes I find myself looking over her direction, wondering how much she had actually felt for him. Sharina said perhaps Elisa really liked him and that's why she's acting the way she is towards me. I'm the girl who she said Joel would find. But why would she call it over if she still cared?

I've come to realize that I, too, am guilty of jealousy. I'm jealous that she is the more beautiful girl (although with a rather large forehead....but a better package overall) with the brains. She's the one who got into Swarthsmore while I'm going to fuckin' Syracuse. She's the one to 'look out for' as the teachers put it. It's true, she does have one thing that I will never have; she had him before me and they got to spend time together physically. They had the kind of high school relationship I've never had...the kind I've always seeked but never got from Kevin. Where they could take trains together, hold hands, kiss in the hallways and have that quirky silly 'more than just a friendship' relationship that I'm never going to have because he's not here and HS is done. I would never tell myself I've got the leftover because that's not what Joel is, but damnit, Joel is such an amazing lover I want to know what the hell was her problem in letting him go.

It all seem so high school and I should be above that....but unfortunately, that's still where I am.



Last I know is she had a boyfriend and somehow, they aren't going out anymore. While things seem to be the same in her love life, I'm the happy one in the end. At least I won't have to deal with seeing her daily after June. Sometimes I feel I should just be mature and be happy with what I do have...but I can't help feeling like, well, a 17-year old at times. Afterall, it would suck to try to act older than what I am.