"Your face!"
"...is lovely. I know, muahaha. No, not really, not right now. Wow, I essentially just complimented myself, but I guess I have to because you won't!"
"I do, you just don't hear it."
"What does that mean?"
"I say it very quietly ... ::whispers incoherently::"


lolwtf this kid is crazy but I love it. It did make me laugh for a good minute before realizing how sad it kind of is.

Sometimes I have to remind myself I'm dating a 20 year old and I am his first girlfriend, and that I am also just 20 and have been talking to too many older friends in "adult" relationships. Or maybe it's in his nature to be rather shy about getting all mushy and soppy. But that's okay. At times, it's nice to be able to experience things together for the first time, learning, and overall just maturing together. If the day ever comes that we're no longer together and we move on to other long term relationships, at least I'll have gone through some serious shits. However, sure hope that day doesn't come soon though. I'm pretty content right now and if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

My co-worker came in about 25 minutes late today. At first I was neutral, then a little annoyed, but I let it go because the day wasn't exactly busy anyways. When he turns up, he tells me he wakes up at his girlfriend's to find his car towed, bitched at by his parents when he had to call to tell them, had to come late to work to get his car or it would be extra money each hour it stays there, and is overall pissed off. He leaves the desk to go confirm with our boss that he'd received an e-mail he sent about his situation.

Earlier today, I'd bought myself snacks to last lunchtime and it just so happens I had gotten myself a pack of Sourpatch Kids, so I scribbled a note saying "First it's sour, then it's sweet. Hope your day gets sweeter!" and left him my candy.

When he found it, he told me it was the nicest thing to have happened and it made him feel better. In return, it made me feel better too although I'm not particularly unhappy today.

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.” - Carrie Bradshaw

I rewatched (500) Days of Summer by myself tonight because I was lonely, insecure, bored and seeking any form of love since I couldn't seem to reach out to Joel. He was out and about and I couldn't seem to shake it to him that I needed him, so I let him be.

In the middle of the movie, I paused and took a walk outside. Just an irrational, impulsive act that left me in a low rise jeans, a shirt too short that exposed part of my mid-riff and a winter coat. I didn't care how I looked, I just wanted out of a confined room that reminded me how alone I was.

The air was cold; winter had arrived. The snow that came this morning didn't stick but made the street floors wet. Yet taking a random stride through the night didn't seem painful, it was actually refreshing. Even though I couldn't feel my fingers, the brisk wind flowing through my hair made me feel alive. My body felt it was dying, but inside I lit up.

It's hard being in a long distance relationship, that's for sure, but it makes it all the more difficult when I don't feel like we're making enough efforts to spend time I have left in the states before I depart for Asia together. I would gladly skip a party, outing, or whatever mindless thing going on here if I could spend decent time with someone I love before I get to speak to them in limited times this coming new year.

I think back to the day I saw the movie in theaters and how happy I felt. The "ridiculous, inconvenient" love that made us roam and hold each other down the street and have a hard time leaving for the night. It makes me wonder if I'll ever feel it again, especially any time soon. With me prepping for the final half of the semester and he moving, getting adjusted and finding his own new social life, winter is starting to take its course on me as it does every year. Winter almost always makes me sad and depressed, therefore is the time when I need love to warm me up the most. Yet it's the time where I get the least of it. Call me "needy," but without it I will become one frigid bitch.

Everybody despises Mondays, this particular one was no exception to me. This morning, I went to my first class, Chinese, to find everyone sitting in the halls because our classroom was still locked. I sat on the floor reciting the new Chinese words ... it's crazy how different tone pronunciations completely changes a word. For example, "ma" in neutral tone means "mother," while in the dipping tone means "horse". Similarly in Thai, the word "Suay" in a neutral tone means "unlucky" while in a rising tone means "beautiful". Odd opposites, huh? While attempting to correlate Chinese to Thai (which wasn't exactly working,) the door finally gets unlocked after 15 minutes and we get our lesson started.

I had classes till noon and a 3 1/2 hour break to study for my Accounting exam and to walk my scholarship essay over to the Abroad office. Clumsy me left my building at 3 to go print the essay but forgot my application, so I had to run back to get it, only to realize the second time I left my building I'd forgotten a writing utensil for the exam. Ended up stealing a pencil from the library, running my ass to hand in the essay without having time to reread it for the final time :( and rushing to class to make my exam.

Turns out professor had sent an e-mail to the wrong section of her class noting exam is postponed to Wednesday and class is cancelled. Not only did this mean I could have stayed and worked on my essay till at least 4:30, I had to sit and wait till 5:15 for the following class. AND might I add that I did not eat all day?! Talk about (neutral tone) suay! However, sitting and waiting between classes, I talked to my mom about the scholarship and what we'll do in Thailand. Got lots of plans made which was great. Decided I would also like to take a trip out to Japan during spring break, so researched sample itineraries in the computer lab. While in the lab, got an e-mail saying class tomorrow is cancelled. Lastly, got free candy from a co-worker who passed by the lab and noticed me.

It's completely baffling how my day shifts from terrible to wonderful. Feels as if somewhere, someone higher up decided I needed a break. I guess like language tones, just a small slip can easily turn something unlucky into something beautiful.

After work today, a girl who went to HK last semester told me that for Module C, I can pick "Independent Study," take my sweet time writing my paper and e-mail it in. Meaning I don't need to be there for an extra month and a half after finals in April. Excited with amazing news, I called my mom to ask our friend travel agent to price out a NY-HK, HK-BKK, BKK-NY trip and the roundtrip flight comes out to only an additional $20. UM, LET'S DO IT?

Don't get me wrong, studying abroad will be amazing and I don't want to leave HK that much earlier but I would love to spend it traveling and having fun, not stuck in HK writing a paper. So if I don't have to be there, I won't! I can be home in time for my brother's birthday and graduation. Spring semester will be great already. No matter how hard the classes are, I will technically have just about 2 months and a half of classes as oppose to the normal four months. And the credits apply to my minor, so yay for getting closer to finishing it!

FINNALLY, positive news in my life. I'm finishing up my scholarship essay now and making myself tear up a little. It's pretty much about how my life has changed by friends and family investing in me whether in helping our family immigrate to the US or helping pay for medical expenses when I had my tumor. This is all making me realize how lucky I am despite the tragic things my family and I went through in life. I hope the message reaches the scholarship committee as well....we can SO use an extra grand toward the tuition fees.

[EDIT]:

I just found out the scholarship is actually for $5000. HOLY CRAP. This makes me that much more nervous.

I am growing increasingly frustrated with the SU Abroad office. Yeah, it's lame of me to not just call them and ask my questions, but I work and have classes between office hours and that makes it very hard for me to find time to call. Therefore, I had to result to e-mailing the advisor for the Hong Kong program, who takes a week to reply.

For some reason, the Hong Kong academic calendar is a month and a half longer than all the other abroad programs. This last section, Module C, extends from final exam dates that extra 5 weeks for "Independent Study" or "Internship". However, you have the option of dropping it halfway through -- meaning it's not really necessary. I've been trying to e-mail this advisor lady if I can just leave HK after my finals (April 12-16, depending on final exam dates). Assuming my final might not be on the very last day, I have a small chance of making it to Thailand during Songgran, aka, my favorite holiday EVER. Also, as much as I'd love to stay and have more fun in Asia, I really do miss my loves back at home and if I don't really have to stay, I don't want to. Last reason, I just hypothetically priced out my flights from NY-HK, HK-Bangkok, Bangkok-NY and it comes out to an additional $400 on top of what I'd pay for a roundtrip from home to HK. All this sounds confusing: main point is it's an extra amount of money I'd be more than willing to pay to be in homeland during our new year and to be home a whole month earlier. This also means I can get started on internships early. Everything is coming out to the positives here.

If only this woman would just respond to me already and say "Yes, do what you want!!" Arg! I so wish I can pull this off. It would make my YEAR. I need her to answer me ASAP so I can book my flights before the one in January goes up by a few hundreds since the day is getting closer. Can you believe I'm leaving Jan 10th? Goodness.

In other news, went on a spree hunting for thanksgiving recipes. Intense urge to cook massive amounts of food. I'm no great cook, in fact, I barely cook at all. But I guess that's why I want to try it out -- the only time I'll ever be ladylike.

I still find it unbelievable how much I take after my mom. I guess I feel so different from her because we have different standpoints on a lot of issues, but when it comes down to behavior it's just sort of natural how I mimic her. My mom says a lot of things to scare me, or rather, threaten me. It's all a form of making me feel like if I don't do something about it, something drastic will happen.

Not to say that my mom is all word and no talk, but she seems to be like this only with the people she truly loves -- her children. Mom reassured me a lot of time now that I'm older than she's sorry that she put us through that, and that no matter what she could never leave us because we are all family.

I feel bad for threatening people with terrible things when I'm frustrated. I know I've mentioned this problem before, yet I still do it and it's somewhat still a part of me. It makes me feel so low. I've gotten into a fight with my brother when we were younger and I threatened to blackmail him. How horrible is that? Family are the people you should be able to trust most, at least in my family. If threatening someone is one of the bigger forms of hatred, then why do I do it with the people I love most, especially when it's really all talk?

I think it all just shows how much fear I have. After what happened with mom, and what happened to me from Joel in the spring, I don't want to be the one threatened. It's easier to be a coward and do the deed than to be the one to take it. It's not that I want what I'm threatening, I guess if I make it sound severe enough it would show the other person how much I would do to them to lose my love for them. So in that regard, the stronger the threat, the more I love you.

I hate this reverse psychology shit.

Wrong move, asshole.

Some silly girl I knew in high school who has since joined the army, got knocked up, had a baby and living the white trash life just "accidentally" sent a picture of her ass taken in the bathroom mirror to Facebook. I'm guessing it was meant to go elsewhere. It took her four hours to realized what happened, but yeah, damage is done either way.

Geez. Way to ruin my morning. Nothing against big people, but she's kind of big especially post baby weight. The sight was nauseating and cannot be unseen ::tears::

I had a lovely weekend with Joel. We didn't do a lot, but we did each other a lot. Zing! No, but in all seriousness, we lounged around and still had a wonderful time which was great after a really stressful week. I found out that Funk 'n Waffles had Boylan (Black Cherry!) sodas which made me incredibly happy and they were only $2 a bottle as opposed to $3 in the city. When I get the chance, I'll go stock up :D

Halloween is this coming weekend. No costumes as of yet. My ideas keep changing because I want to dress as something that I don't have to buy extra crap for since I need all my money. Monopoly girl was still in effect until I realized I had no top hat. Now gunning for Silent Hill nurse, using tea-stained gauze bandage as the mask and just dirty up my white dress. Yes, I am that cheap to even not want to spend a few bucks on fake paint for blood/dirt. What's the point of getting something for one time, and it being 90% off the next day? Um, no. So yeah, we'll see if that works out. Otherwise, I'm sort of okay staying in this year, the only reason I wanted it was because I live on a better location to the parties this year, the weather is going to be amazing and it's on a Saturday with daylight saving (so an additional hour to roam the streets).

Scholarship essays for Hong Kong galore. I hope I get at least one >:/ Two midterms still left. How is it half way through the semester already? Junior year is gonna flyyy.

Well, it's the 14th. Tomorrow I'm going to be 20 years old, and a week from now I will remember my dad for it will be the 13th year I've lived without his presence in my life.

I'm not perfect, but I can only hope that for the most part he'd be proud of who I am today.

In the beginning of the semester in COM, each student was asked to present a song to that represents who they are. I immediately thought of "Dance with my father," but the moment I played it in my room to gather some specific lyrics, I cried. I do every time I hear it, it's a lovely song but when it comes on the radio I have to change it. Yeah, so I knew this was not going to happen especially in front of everyone in class.

"If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him ...
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again"

Beside the fact that he died, timing just couldn't be better. I can't get over it. It wasn't even a week after my birthday and the promised make up birthday party that never happened. I get the feeling that for the rest of my life, I'll always have unanswered questions about that very day.

It's really quite competitive to get in my college (Newhouse) at Syracuse, so I'm not surprised that when I take classes in my major, I am often surrounded by amazing students. I'm currently taking a required COM class called "Race and Gender in the Media," which is exactly what it sounds like, and the professor has split the class up by majors. Our project is the toughest to tackle: we're creating an entire print magazine focusing on race & gender issues as well as religion, sexual orientation, class, etc. in the media. It's a hard project seeing as how other groups like Public Relations only has to come up with a fucking media kit and Advertising is just one ad proposal for a product. WE'RE MAKING A WHOLE FUCKING MAGAZINE.

So I had a meeting with the girls in my group today and was blown away. Typically I feel that I fit in well with the other Newhouse kids, but the girls in my group were EXTRAORDINARY. I came up with two lame story ideas and I admit they're stupid because I barely had time to think about it, and the girls made up 3+, all of which were great. We're doing polls, maps, quizzes, and feature articles that were so interesting. Afterward, one of the girls is currently an editor at an on campus magazine asked if another one of us wanted to write/had a story to pitch and listening to them talk was mind blowing. They were so creative and talented, and I'm not going to doubt that they wrote as well as they spoke.

This is one of the first times I actually feel intimidated. They are soooo good, these are the girls that although I know will carry us into an amazing final product and hopefully grade, they are also the women I'll be competing against for a job. And from where I stand right now, I haven't got a chance. I need to start finding time to read more magazines like I used to and get back in touch with what made me want to become a magazine journalist in the first place and not stay an regular college student. My goal: in two weeks, I want to read enough that I start forming my own article ideas to pitch to this girl in my group and hope it's good enough to be written and published. It's a lot to take on my plate this semester as I'm taking super difficult classes, but I am in no place to slack. If it's anything these girls have done, it's inspiring me to do so much more than what I thought I was already doing "enough".

I am sick of your hypocritical ways, your guilt trips, your uncertainty and carelessness in the consequences of your actions. So done picking up the pieces, I have my own life to worry about and you're barely a part of it anymore by the way things are going.

While I was in Thailand this past summer, my mother took me to meet someone who was apparently a huge part of my life and I didn't even know it. Kind of difficult to explain this without sounding crazy, as there are some superstitions and beliefs that Thais kind of look into a lot, but pretty much this man is somewhat of an astrological doctor. What he does: takes your birthday (time, year, date) and tells fortunes with it. I know this mostly sounds like bogus, but to some extent there are very accurate fortune tellers/doctors in Thailand. For example, my aunt knew another doctor who took my birth date info and somehow was able to tell my personality, health struggles (tumor!) and current and possible future personal relationship problems -- 95% of it pretty on point (he was even able to tell I don't like dating Thais lol though he didn't even know I grew up in the states). Weird. Anyways, this other particular man happened to be the one that was introduced to my parents when they were pregnant with me roughly 20 years ago.

My mom said she went with my dad to talk to this doctor and tried to plan out a birth date that would bring me good luck. Thai people do the same with wedding days and whatnot. No idea how the process worked, but somehow the doctor decided Sunday October 15, at exactly 9:35 a.m. was the ideal time for a strong, intelligent offspring. HA. With that, mom scheduled that exact birth time with the delivery doctors. She said that it didn't really matter to her if it was true or not, but couldn't hurt since she was ready to give birth anyways, why not go for it?

Mom said she still remembered that while she was drifting to sleep from the anesthesia (she had a c-section -- my older bro was delivered the same way,) she heard the doctor say "As soon as the clock strikes 9:35, stick the knife in!" Mom was hoping she would be dead asleep before that happened. I lol-ed.

Gosh, I can't believe I'm learning something new every year about my life. So many mysterious and stories, odd yet interesting. It felt weird to sit across from this dude who pretty much decided the beginning of my life on earth and predicted a good life for me from that birth date. I mean, no one knows how much of that has to do with reality, but I actually love my birth date. I guess that means thanks, astrology doctor!

So what's the point of this entry: well, I was just hanging out here before I hit the snooze and I wondered about how my mom must have been 20 years ago ready to give birth to me a week later. The thought reminded me that probably around this time was when she talked to this doctor. Life is so strange.

"Something so small as a dream turned out to be the most fulfilling part of my life."

"I could never tell you enough of how much I love you but I'll do it everyday just because you want to hear it."

Once upon a time, this man existed. I know it's still in him but I guess we're kind of an old married couple now. But then again, I'll always count on him to say something like this:

"[Without you], I am a Jedi w/o the force"

and know that's my Joelly and I wouldn't want him any other way.

My two articles are finally complete. Not finalized, but complete drafts are done and I couldn't be more relieved. My head has been aching so bad the entire week (extra hard Tuesday) and I can finally relax this weekend and take my time to study for two exams on Monday.

Joel has to move out by the end of the month because my family is knocking down the house to reconstruct the entire building. Sucks :( We've been stalking Craigslist and calling/emailing places continuously for the past two weeks just frantically hoping to find a place. I mean, I feel like more places will open up middle of the month, but since he's going to be up here with me he won't have time to check places out and by the time he goes back to the city, it might be pushing it too late.

So stress on top of stress. Yep yep. I just hope wherever he ends up is a nice, clean place and is convenient for him to work, go to school and survive. I admire him so much for having to grow up on his own at 18 years old. I could not have imagined myself in his place two years ago barely making it and now he's accomplished so much. My friend Lookman and I had dinner and a conversation about this, Lookman not knowing that Joel currently lives on his own and we discussed how amazing that is to do without the financial support of anyone else but himself. That's a damn survivor! And he'll be all mine in two weeks <3

He also wants a birthday list. I don't know. There's nothing I really need right now except cash and even that I'm earning just fine (I made $218 last week alone, oh yeah) so I'd rather he hang on to his money than spend it on useless things for me. When he's financially comfortable after moving and settling in we can discuss the possibility of "presents," which in my case is probably dinner and a small shopping spree or tickets to whatever getaway event. At least he will share that experience with me...I'd much prefer that over materials anyday.

This month is just fullll of fails. Today I woke up from a terrible dream involving her which I don't know what the fuck she was doing there, combined with a scene where I woke up at 1:15 pm and was late for my 10 am shift. I proceeded to wake up in real life at 10:15 am, late for my actual 10 am shift.

Then the standby button on my blackberry stopped working, so I started to do all I can until I settled on a full reset, which wiped out my entire phone. All the photos, texts, CONTACTS -- gone. AND it did not fix my standby button error. It's going to be a pain to retrieve all my contacts because even though I don't talk to that many people in phone book, it's still nice to have them there just in case I needed to call them.

I've only been awake for two and a quarter hours and I hate it already. And it's windy and raining out. My lifeeeeee.

[Edit]

My professor for the second class asked if I was alright. I said no but I'm toughing it out and she told me to just go home.

All human beings will disappoint you. Maybe even all living things. It just happens, and I'm sick of it.

I think a primary reason I hate watching anything with gore is whenever I'm this depressed and sad, I think of dying in ways that graphic so that it's as chaotic as my life feels right now. I don't care how stupid and emo that sounds, but I really want to disappear. Just vanish into thin air. For a little bit or forever, I just want to feel like nothing will matter anymore. I am sick of bottling up how I feel and keep it all together because I have no one to run to when I need them. I made it a point that human interactions are two ways, and since I've not been on that map I might as well just not be here. Everyone has their own lives. Who's obligated to care about mine?

It is really hard to believe that some of these party animals stumbling along the streets at early morning hours of the day will one day (supposedly) be business professionals that lead the nation. Everyone always tell me to network the hell out in school because you never know who might end up hiring you, but when I'm standing across a dude drunk out of his mind throwing ping pong balls across a table into a plastic cup, can't help but raise an eyebrow.

Ahh. What a few years will do to all of us.

Fashion article is complete, for the most part. Will see if editor likes it and would like to add more interviews. The second article is much tougher and I have roughly four days to finish it and I've not interviewed anyone due to lack of response! It was my fault though, I had a hard time figuring out the direction to go with it and I've only figured it out yesterday how to make it different than the articles I've already been reading/related to more students on campus.

It's pretty about sex tourism in Thailand, and I picked this article up because, duh, I think I can relate and be really interested in finding the facts. Throughout the research it got really boring and more like a paper, not article, so I'm just gonna go interview students how they feel if prostitution was legalized. It's technically not in Thailand but of course this law is not enforced, hence it's so damn popular...and I don't want my homeland to be known for that :(

My personal opinion is that these women who chooses to work as strippers, prostitutes to allegedly make ends meet are purely lazy. I know the job economy is not well, but at the very least there are always mall jobs and street vending, which isn't as lame as it sounds. Everyone just wants to a shortcut to wealth and not work their way to earning it. But what do I know, I'm no millionaire but I am quite privileged myself.

Off to stalk more people to talk to me. Never thought it'd be this difficult to get college students to discuss prostitutes.

Part 1:

It pisses me off so much when people don't realize when to apologize. The recognition that you did someone wrong is all I needed -- not the ignorance that comes with not caring about the consequences of one's actions. I'm a forgiving person (if not immediately, eventually I am) and I always try to be the bigger person to say sorry and mean it. What is it about dignity that people hold up so damn high? It doesn't mean a thing if you can't realize when to care about anyone else but yourself.

The problem with society is that people think the world revolves around themselves, and that every interaction is other people's interaction with YOU. What they don't realize is you are communicating back to them too and that every correspondence between two or more people becomes a two way street that doesn't work back to one original person only. Does this make any sense?

So fed up with how ridiculous people still are at college age and older.

Part 2:

I'm working nine hours in the library today, which often means in the middle of working on my article, I end up browsing useless things on the internet. I came across a bunch of Facebook profiles of people I went to junior high school with and where they are now. I was surprised to see a bunch of people who used to be in honor classes, who I thought were soooo intelligent ending up going to city universities rather than private, prestigious ones. I mean, nothing is wrong with city u's, but the experience of being away from home and getting out of your comfort zone is really how I've decided on college application choices. I did not apply to a single city or state university. Not to say my idea is the correct way, but I guess I just expected these people to achieve higher because of their potentials back in the day. I find it a waste that people refuse to leave New York City for two or four years because they don't want to move away, miss their friends, etc. I find this lazy.

This is quite judgmental of me but I'm in a pissy mood and I don't give a damn.

It's hard to believe I'm going to be 20 years old soon. This is the point in my life where I am rapidly growing up that it's scary how noticeable it is. I remember freaking out last semester and my last day as a sophomore before riding over to the airport home for the summer, and here I am as a junior. I have a job, I'm taking on a lot of extra work, I'm living alone. I feel so much more grown up in a matter of months. It's interesting, but terrifying at the same time. One of my friend is a freshman and it's weird how grown up I feel around her when most of the time I feel equal to most students on campus regardless of year. Not that she's immature, but the way we think...I'd like to imagine something along naive.

I had a hilarious time again this weekend. The party was ridiculous, as you might have seen lol. People were acting insane, girls on each other then freaking out because one disappeared to go make out with a guy so she was scared she'll be raped, people throwing up in random places, spinning on a table, spilling pina coladas all over the counter, people dry humping on the floor. Your typical college kids party. It was fun to watch.

We went home that night and stopped to pick up a microwavable chicken noodle soup and ravioli. Best meal ever. After a long night, it's getting chilly out and you're semi-drunk, chicken noodle soup was just so satisfying and put me right to sleep after. Definitely one of my favorite comfort food ever! This weekend made me feel a lot happier to be home for the most part, and now I'm back with a lot of work to accomplish. I'll be so proud of myself by the end of it all.

Long weekend! Two articles due next week! I have a paragraph done in one of them and didn't start the other! HUZZAH!

Today is the first day of the autumn season. Every fall seems to affect my life a little differently each year. But with each stride, it's one step closer to the rise of the inevitable spring. I just hope I don't literally have to fall apart before breaking down further like this year's.