So I'm down to eating once a day, not on purpose or because I want to, but because I'm too busy, lack money and time. Yeah, can you believe I'm too busy to eat? The annoying part is that the three or four pounds I've gained while I was in Thailand seems not to disappear. I know I'm nowhere near the American vision of fat but I'm at a personal level of fatness which, unlike other woman who shows in the tummy, butt or luckily boobs, it's in my freakin' face/chin area and upper arms. Fuckkkk!

Been busy with taking photos of all the clothes I bought from Thailand to sell on eBay to make some summer snack income since I don't have a paying job. Last year I sold some old clothes I almost never wore and made about $100 bucks, so that worked. Hoping this time with the cool shiz I got/invested in, I will do better and finally have some money. NYC in the summer is expensive. Anywho, all this photoshopping, editing and HTML coding makes me so sick of the computer as if to add on some column writing. My eyes are about to explode.

Really cranky and pissy lately. It's not exactly an expectant period's fault but I don't know, I'm just so moody. I feel like a teenager at their confused, fuck the world phase. Little things tick me off. Maybe it's the lack of food, or that my face feels or looks as gorgeous as a toad. I wish that when I had fainted three years ago and got a laceration on my chin, they'd cut off some fat there >:/ !

I don't know why it doesn't go away. I wish it could, but it's not and never will be. It's like a ghost that keeps haunting me and no matter what I do or how I feel or how long it has been, the ghost will never go away. I can't stop it. It never dies. It will never die until I do. Lucky for it, it's slowly killing me. I can't make it go away.

A friend once told me to not hurt myself or take my own life away for someone who doesn't want you. For one person who doesn't truly love you enough to let you keep your own life, there are plenty others including my parents who would want me to keep the life they've given me. I'm trying, but I don't know how I will ever deal living with this goddamn fact. It changes everything I've ever believed in about love, the essential part of life. If I can't feel the same about love the way that should motivate and keep me going, I can never have the life I want.

I'd take brain damage to make me completely forget this than to be perfectly healthy, knowing and living with it.

In honor of America's Independence Day, Joel took me out to New Jersey (ugh...) to his co-worker/boss/friend Tony's house for a small party. It was nice and peachy when we got there: warm sunshine, Spanish music playing, guys having their beers, me playing with Tony's kids and hanging out. Tony's wife Geta took us on a walk on the nearby trail which led to a beautiful view of a lake. In the late afternoon we hit the pool to cool off after my Asian self turned lobster red as usual after a few mojitos (I have no idea how much I actually drank since it kept magically refilling itself but we did kill about 2 liters of Bacardi with it so ::shrug::) After the pool, Joel and I and another party guest Kevin went on an ice run, only to stop for that and another 2 liter thing of Bacardi. Fuckin' animals.

When we got back, things got insane. It started as innocently as some burgers and I don't know what happened but conversations got weird. Mind you, this is an adult party, I was the youngest one and everyone else was in their late 20's to early 30's. By this time, everyone was pretty fuckin' drunk and talking random shit -- from funny things at the office, the new Chinese Dora the Explorer, blackberries, Megan Fox, someone's mom being dead to the sounds of gunshots versus fireworks. Then we started exchanging racist jokes. Joel told me to go do math while I told him to go wait for a van so he can work with illegal alien Mexican day laborers. At one point we started discussing the size of my ass lol while another friend who injured his shoulders started sharing his Percocet with Joel. Felt a little uncomfortable about that and didn't say much. Joel knocked the fuck out on the couch with me and fifteen minutes later, there he went for some cranberry juice and Absolut pear. Two other guests were done and passed out. Yep.

Needless to say everything was wild that night. Had everyone in the party been more drunk or younger, I'd not be surprised if people started dancing, making out or getting naked for fun. The not so fun part was that trains stopped running back to NJ after midnight and we'd missed the last one till 5 a.m. I freaked out for a while until I realized I really couldn't get home that night unless I was gonna shell out hundreds of dollars on some cab service. We ended up sleeping over in NJ then returning this morning which is totally not cool since mom doesn't even let me sleep over my friend's house in the same borough. She found out anyways but understood I wasn't trying to take advantage of her being gone so all's good. But man, how weird was the past 24 hours?

Drinking is fun, but getting drunk is overrated. I'm glad I've never gotten wasted so I can remember shit like this and laugh at everyone else who doesn't!

Now growing up in an Asian family, education is one of the most important things. Since high school, I have been obsessed with research college and scholarships and programs even if I'm no where near interested in particular fields of studies. Let's just say I could have been a college counselor for my high school if I wanted to because I researched around that much for not a lot of reasons but curiosity.

I remember when I got my acceptance/rejection letters back two-ish years ago and how the excitement of finding out the result of everything you worked for the past years was all mine. For the first time, this was something that was entirely based on me and my performances and not anyone else's help. So imagine how horrible this feels:

Wednesday night we walked into Joel's place and I see a large envelope from the college Joel applied to a while back. "What's this?" I asked and picked it up. "Same crap from the school. I still need to send some financial aid forms or something that I haven't completed and they're probably reminding me."

"Oh," I said and tore the envelope open to see what exactly he was talking about.

"Dear Joel, at this time, we are pleased to offer you a place in our associates degree program for Fall 2009 ... um, Joel you got in!"

"What? How? But they're still missing..."

So? I got into Oberlin and they offered me an all-expense-paid trip to visit, and they didn't even have ANY of my financial aid information.

So happy for the man but feels bad for opening his acceptance letter. I didn't know! That's something the student should find out for themselves in their hands :( But anyways, yay, he's on his way to training to be my awesome air traffic controller. It's amazing how he only needs two years of school, combined with a year of work experience, to qualify. And the median for this fucking job is, oh, only about $107,780. It baffles me that he's going to school for two years and will soon make close to that much, while I'm going to school for four, possibly may try to get a master's, spending much more than he is....and I will probably be living in a box writing up some bullshit article and be a slave to my editors. Fuck this, if he makes that much he can support my sorry ass!

I was home bored today watching random shit on TV when The Parent Trap (Lindsay Lohan version) came on. I'm assuming that people have seen this movie so I'll go ahead and talk about it with this minor spoiler warning: don't read on if you haven't seen this, ur, decade-ish old movie.

Now the parents of the twins were obviously still in love, right? After years and differences and two girls and distance. Why is it that the woman remains unchanged and never ends up with a new boyfriend or husband, yet the father is getting ready to marry another chick? I was sitting around watching it and made me think about what happened last entry, and I'm pissed! In the end, they get together anyways, and all is forgiven and ends happily with the full house family. This is exactly what happened to me too on a much smaller scale. We spent a bit of time apart, and he goes and fools around, yet here we are today happy as a clam. I'm not complaining about where we are now, but what if instead the mother was the one getting re-married and the father remained single? Would the story turn out the same way? Certainly there could be some money sucking bum who would marry a wedding dress designer for the luxury. But would the father still go for her after that? And the situation the mother is put in after learning the father is engaged. Gosh, that must hurt. You know, I give that fictional woman props for facing the wicked other woman because evidently, I totally freaked out.

It's so easy for women to forgive as long as the situation is sincere and resolved. It's normal, perhaps expected even. Yet I think that if the movie was in the reverse position, viewers would probably say that is a bit unrealistic. I know this is based on assumptions, but still. Women always get these double standards. Ugh.

Bye I'm spent!
:D

God it was horrible.

Rewind: I hung out with the boy last night as he played Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin) and I mentioned that I still have his shirt of L.Z. he gave me and that I wear it to sleep. I also said that the night he told me he made out with some chick back in March, that was the only shirt I had left to sleep in and it hurt -- was like taking a bullet on top of what's already broken. But you know, all's passed, I suppose, so I said no more after that.

Now earlier today, slightly jet lagged, upset and all-around semi grouchy, Joel and I were sitting in a shoes store waiting for his friend to show up to go see a movie together. I sat there a bit ticked off and in a bad mood while Joel kind of tried to apologize or cheer me up. Not quite convinced, I sat in silence. Usually I just like to sit quiet for a few minutes to get over things. Sure enough, guess who walks in the store? Yep, the girl. I didn't really recognize her at first until Joel saw her and said her name, then my heart almost stopped. I hadn't planned on meeting her, didn't want to, but didn't know exactly how I'd feel if I ever did see her. Now I do.

Completely freaked out and got all nervous, I have no idea why. Seeing her only made me think of the one thing Joel did that hurt me so deep, if not, one of the most painful things, and I couldn't sit there with the possibility that she might notice him and come say hi. I'm not trying to be unfriendly, but the wound isn't fully healed and I'm sorry I'm not totally over it, so I couldn't possibly want to communicate and meet the girl who -- urr -- took advantage of him while he was kind of single. Okay, maybe that's not the right word to say but whatever, what happened between them hurt me so goddamn bad. I felt so pathetic being there, so I had a mini anxiety attack got up and walked out faster than the speed of light before walking aimlessly, clenching fist and digging nails into my palms before collapsing at a pay phone booth. Couldn't hold in my tears. How was I supposed to feel to see the girl my beloved fuckin' had a thing with while I was still completely in love with him?

Joel came after me, held me, kissed my forehead and apologized. Still, from then on didn't get any better. The jet lagged-ness made me half asleep 40% of the movie and I just felt blank. So out of it. I feel so, so empty.

Okay, weird day instead.
Of course, the obvious being the deaths of famous icons. Farrah Fawcett I'm not as shocked, but Michael Jackson comes as a huge surprise. I was by Madison Square Garden when I heard the news as Zach and Joel raced to see who can get on AP or CNN faster to confirm. So so awful that he died so young and lived a somewhat disordered life.

Back to my day: drinks never happened, I don't really know why. We were about to head out for some sushi and sake but somehow ended up at a diner. Huh. Waffle fries were fun though. Then we went back to Z's hotel room, watched more news on MJ's death, laughed at some stupid Fox News reporter say "We'll go now and listen to Michael Jackson" when it was actually Al Sharpton. I hate Fox News.

We left shortly afterward and went back for an overdue sess with the boy. Slept very well right after, and cuddled the way I'd miss terribly while I was away. Felt so good to be back with him. Gift giving was also fun. I bought him a pair of Foo Fighters boardshorts which looked great on him and Thai snacks and some new gauges. He was happy for the gifts but of course, the best was being back together again and no restrictions by adults for a whole month, yayyyy.

Before I left for BKK, Joel had just put money down for a expensive mountain bike to save on subway fares. Throughout the time I was gone, the bike arrived but parts were imperfect so the store had to get the bike parts re-sent, which apparently took centuries. While this happened, through Skype, Joel told me he might have a surprise for me.

What happened was at one point, Joel gave the store one more week before he asked for his money back because it was taking way too long for the company to get the bike parts sent in. If he had gotten money back, he was gonna use it to get a TATTOO. Of this. On his chest. It just so happened that the last day of that week he gave the bike shop, the parts came in so tattoo never made it on to his skin. But could you imagine if I came home to see my man inked up unexpectedly? It's semi out of character for him but his style's changing pretty effortlessly so idk. He said tattoo idea is not completely out of picture but still, geez. Don't know what to think. Could be hot, I guess.

Four days left in Bangkok o.OOO Just came back from Macau/Hong Kong from the past three days. Fun city, but looks kind of small. Idk, maybe I didn't see all the fun stuff yet because we kept going around the same area.

WANT. BOYFRIEND.

I'm officially a noodlehead again, finally got my hair permed curly. It's very noodly this time around lol. It's too short but I had my entire head permed anyways hoping it will look just the way I want it by the time hair grows out a few inches. I get back to NYC Wednesday morning, and seems like I may already have plans for drinks Wed and Thursday nights, haha. My mom isn't coming back with me till another month, so I'll probably run fuckin' wild (although I do have to avoid the stepdad from finding out teeee.)

Will miss Bangkok terribly, but can't wait for some freedom!

Yesterday was awwwsome, we went up to the mountains to do a bunch of adventure-y stuff like climbing rocks, going through an obstacle course, getting flung into the air by a sling, riding off from a tree top. So so so fun. Got a slight tan as well and my muscles are getting so toned (still, no tricep improvements though.) On the way home we stopped at several farms and got fresh milk, sweet corn and ice cream at very amazing prices. Yay!

About what things are you most selfish?
Uh. Depending on who it is for, I'm pretty stingy with money. I'm not really selfish with material items, unless it's some rare food I bought from Thailand ahhaha

Is there anything you constantly worry about?
Being alone, which I am some times.

What makes you feel important?
Love, appreciation, recognition, etc.

Are you camera shy? Why/why not?
Haha. Sometimes -- when I feel 'ugly'.

Live to eat or eat to live?
A little of both.

What do you think about pornography?
Don't bring innocence into it (involving children, animals, etc.)

Do you like it when friends are comfortable with dropping by unexpectedly?
I wish any friend dropped by unexpectedly really. I don't really have a 'crew'.

Did one of your parents love you more than the other?
I wouldn't say that, but I was closer to dad and I don't recall that we ever got into a fight.

What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you?
Hm. I have to answer vaguely and say not treating me the way I'm 'deserved' to be treated. That combines a lot of things. Otherwise, he just wasn't right for me.

( goes on here )

internet decided not to block LJ anymore. Yay! But still won't be around often since internal signal doesn't often reach my 11th floor apartment. So many things to say about being in Thailand, but mostly about how much I miss Joel and want more time with him. I hate that we're apart more than half of the year and won't really be together all the time till I graduate. I think I'm patient but can't expect the same, which is heartbreaking. LDRs suck.

So far all of my cousins and relatives have noted that I am nice and plumped, meaning kinda fat. Not unhealthy fat, just fatter than average girls here. It's really not my fault Asian girls are twigs. Can't say I'm not bothered, since I did gain a whopping 3 kilos living here, so I've started to tone my triceps at the fitness room downstairs (I am more bothered by flabby arms than thighs and whatever). Stomach will take too much work -- I can't possibly ask myself for abs at this point. Hate my sometimes double chin. Flat-chestedness. The more I'm in Asia, the more I'm convinced boob jobs are so common and easy and INEXPENSIVE that it's so normal to do. But I refuse. A part of me kind of want to but another says it will only bring more difficulties in the future when I have children, have mammogram tests, grow old, etc. Other times I realize my boobs are never going to be the same size both sides because of some dead skin cells on my right side. It's a legitimate reason to get it fixed -- but like the mentioned complications, I'm not sure what I care more about.

Ugh, body image issues fail. For the most part, I've grown to love my body but I can't help it sometimes when I get called 'big' constantly. All the more reason to miss being tiny in NYC! Otherwise, enjoying the sun and cheap luxuries here and making my time apart from my beloved well worth being away.

It is ridiculous how much I want to be back in his arms, with his hand cradling my face and rubbing his thumb on my cheek just like the old days. I'm having a nice time here but I miss my man so so so so so much.

Internet provider here decided to block livejournal :( can't really update so follow me on fb of my Asia adventures.

Large pictures under cut, nsfw ish

( lingerie model fail )

Today was a fun preview to summer, I guess. Joel and I played pool then roamed Astoria till we met up with a bunch of friends/acquaintances from high school because it was one of their birthday. They went and did hookah, which I am not into at all, but it was in an open back porch area so it was fine as long as I didn't stink by the time I left. It's nice to see some people from high school acting a tad bit grown up, and catching up with all their lives. Also my chance to show them I'm not the snobby bitch they all seemed to think I was :/

Afterward we went to see Carl who lived a few blocks down. I went up to use his bathroom to pee and I gotta say, it was one of the grossest bathrooms I'd been in (excluding college party toilets). I saw three tiny tiny cockroaches crawling around the tub within the 30 seconds I used to pee. But Carl loves his shithole apartment (and he is a pretty clean person). Just goes to show how happy you can be without the luxuries, but just having that freedom to do whatever the hell you want. For example, I feel so carefree when I'm at Joel's because I don't have to worry about who to impress, what to wear, what I'm doing. I can drink alcohol and sit in my bra and panties for all I care. Someday, I hope to have that kind of freedom too, but not necessarily just because I want to sit around naked, haha.

Anywho, I guess it was fun to be slightly spontaneous and just go with the flow of whatever wants to happen for the night. I'm wishing summer would be like that every week, every other night. Till then, off to the motherland <3

Joel called in 'sick' for a personal day today from his job, meaning it was a full day for me to waste muahaha. Started by staying in bed, ahem, for about four hours before getting up and out into the city to get dinner. We ended by going to a bookstore and finding a book to read at a comfy corner for a while. It was funny/messed up because we picked up this humor sex book, read it right in front of the Bibles section and then stuck the book back on the shelves right between Christian bibles (I don't know why there were so many variations, different versions says Joel.) I know, I'm messed up. Well, he is more of a Christian than I am, so more fucked up on his part. Oh well. Too bad for the person fixing the shelves.

My room is getting more ugly as the day goes. It's getting more cleared out, yet there are stuff all over the floor since I had to put stuff I'm keeping somewhere first :( I feel like I'm never going to be done until I stay in everyday till we leave, which is NOT happening!

My mission for tomorrow: to find this pair of Michael Kors in a size 7.



I tried two places today with no luck, wtf, I found these in March...how does it sell out so damn quickly? I recently bought this beautiful pair on eBay in a size 6.5 which I thought might fit since it was open-toed but it was a little too snug in the front, so I was gonna buy the size 7 then return then with the 6.5. I know, another messed up thing for me to do, but it is still unworn and new I just couldn't return it through the eBay seller :( Whatever, I know I'm a screwed up person, and I don't care.

I did some major cleaning to my horrendously cluttered room. It's not necessarily messy, I just have A LOT of stuff and nowhere to put it. So there's about two large trash bags full of old stuff sitting outside of my room, but still more than half the room to clear up. While cleaning, I found some cute stuff, like my eighth grade projects and comics I drew. Then there was "the protractor" I, um, used to, well, "use" to, um, do "stuff." If you get my drift. It's amazing how one item can hold so much thoughts and memories behind it. Anyways, I took one glance at its dusty, rusty self and flung it in the garbage bag faster than the speed of light, wanting it to be completely out of my life. Now it is, and there's no looking back! That is the goal, anyhow ::fist hovering in air to emphasize empowerment::

Absolutely despise seasonal allergies. I'm constantly tired from using all my of energy on blowing/clearing clogged nose or breathing through my mouth ... which results in being worn out and having the driest most undesirable lips on earth. I hate being home and knowing that I could be free and off to roam the city like I'd dream of doing for the past months, but CAN'T because of my allergy symptoms. On top of that, my left eyelid has decided to swell up and now I'm lookin' like a knocked out boxer. Disgusting. There are plenty of things I want/have to do before heading off to Thailand but my body isn't allowing it. It all better change by tomorrow. I refuse to spend another home and sick and wasting away, life is too damn short to be ruined by fuckin' allergies.

This has been the most insane 24 hours. Ever. A lot of muscle work rearranging the furniture of my dorm room and brain work studying for a super difficult econ final. Then packed and carried roughly 150 pounds of luggage on my own and got my ass to the airport in record time. I'm nodding off and falling asleep as I write this but I needed something to keep me semi-awake from I finish up my 15 page Anthropology research paper and never have to look at this thing ever again.

Another day in a life of a college student. Goddamn, half of it is gone. Where did it all go :( ? I'm not ready to be a senior, and I skipped junior year because I know the fall might take a while to get through but Hong Kong will FLYYYY by. Oh man. Where did my college times go.

"I'm sick of feeling my soul
To people who'll never know
Just how purposeless and empty they've grown
Because the language confuses like computers refuse to understand how I'm feeling today

I'm freezing and losing my way
I don't need another map of your head."

Restarted an unhealthy obsession with Muse. Love love love love love. So anywho!

I love good people. I know the sentence is vague. Genuinely good people remind me of how beautiful the world can be. Today a friend of a friend, Mandy, helped me drive to a storage facility so I can leave take my stuff and leave them there for the summer. She was not obligated to help me, I barely knew her and only met her no more than five times since '07. Still, I asked my friend to ask her and she said it'd be no problem.

The wonderful part was when I offered to pay her for gas. After all, she was taking time out of her finals week and out of a barbeque party she was actually at to come out to drive me there. She is also taking me and a friend there again Sunday. So I said I'd be happy to fill the tank up because I seriously would not know what to do without her help. She told me to consider it a favor she'd done for me and the best thing I could do is to help someone else out and not even think about it. When I can, just offer someone who needs your help and tell/hope that the person you've helped will in turn go and help others. It was the most incredible thing I could expect to hear from an almost stranger. She is so genuinely nice, kind and just all sorts of awesome. I promised her I will and she'd also get a favor from me although I have no clue what she would ever need from me, and if she's ever in New York I'd take her out.

I don't know what kind of help I can be to others, but I sure hope to spread that notion of kindness. The way she helped me in ways I could never expected her to and to want absolutely nothing in return. I'm just so easily touched by others. Times like these I appreciate and feel so lucky to have met so many kind, wonderful people in my life (on and offline!)

My friend Lauren is moving out tomorrow for the summer and I won't see her again for a year because she's going abroad in the fall and I plan to the following spring. I had lunch with her today, might be the last one we have, and just talked because her roommate was being a complete bitch yesterday by accusing me of back-talking Lauren and putting words in my mouth. Since when did "Where is this girl? She never misses dinner..." translate to "Lauren eats a lot, she's a fatty?"

Anyways.

So we were getting our food from our buffet style cafeteria when I decided to get a bagel, some chicken nuggets and walked over to the table to eat. We sat down and shared excitement over the fact that there were cupcakes in the dessert section today :) Complained a little more about Emily her roommate and decided she's not worth it. Then this.

"Did you cut yourself today?" Lauren asked.

Shocked and quiet, I quickly covered my arm.

Me: "What?"
L: "Are you okay?"
Me: "....yeah...." -- all the while looking very confused and paranoid
L: "Okay, haha, you haven't gotten a bagel since you cut yourself that last time so it seems like you're okay with that breadknife now huh"
Me: "Oh. OH. Yeah, I didn't use the breadknife this time but the slicer."

I could have sworn I felt my face growing red and heart beating rapidly like she caught me red handed. Good thing I didn't say something like "How'd you know?" Alas, it was nothing. I don't want to get her involved in my issues anyways but it felt horrible. Another reason to really stop doing this shit.

Yes, see title.


I've finished all of my classes this semester. I am so glad it ended with Philosophy. Professor Thomas is probably the most fascinating, inspiring professor I've yet to have. Today's final lecture was on forgiveness and boy did it ring with me today. He began by raising the subject of bitterness and asked if any of us are bitter. Without answers, he knew that there had to be someone in the room bitter at the moment and he was right, seeing as how I am still very hurt from last night.

The focal point of the lecture was that people are bitter because they overlook the goods of what the others are doing now because they choose to focus on the pain. Forgiveness is having the courage to rise above that pain and accept that goodness, not deny it despite what had hurt you. As an interesting example, he asked if victims of rape ever forgave their rapists. Some may, some might not. If they are convinced the rapist is reformed and changed of their despicable ways then the victim may very well overcome their pain and see the good that person is now doing.

I wish I could have recorded when he said that, or any of his wonderful lectures for that matter. I wish everyone in the world can hear him say this and can only hope it can touch their hearts so deep as it had mine. I can be a bitter person. I don't like to be but it happens. Last night he tried to apologize and I couldn't bring myself to believe it because I chose to focus on my pain. However, I do have to rebut that the efforts he gave to apologize lasted combined total of five minutes maximum, and the rest...45 minutes exclaiming biting remarks. I don't know how much of it he means or even knows how it affects me. Well, he'll never know. I'm sure the scar here will heal by next week. I hate having to tell him the problems because we all know I want and should stop but yes, Balqis/Oprah (haha) is right, relapses happen; it's part of the recovery.

As an aside, I have this clunky bracelet/cuff thing I wear a lot. Joel once asked why it had to be so big or how it takes over a good three inch of my forearm and I couldn't bring myself to tell him how well it covers my scabs.

If only I can find the courage to overcome how hurt I am and see the bright future ahead. At the same time, I also need others to forgive me. Everyone has wronged and been wronged at various points in their lives. Forgiveness is often a hard thing to do especially when you've been wronged so many times in your life or when the same kind of wrong occurs so often. I wish it was easier to be courageous. Professor Thomas inspired me to be, and I will (slowly but surely) aspire to be more brave with my emotions, even if I do suffer the bumps along the way.

Can you?